Closure. It’s the broken heart’s antidote. At least, we’d like to think it is.
For some, It’s the hope we carry in the back of our heads that maybe, just maybe, this was all just a fluke. The beautiful moments from the beginning, all the smiles and soft whispers between the two of you . . . You both got a little lost. There’s no way they can love you and leave you just like that.
Or, for others, closure is anger. It’s scratchy vocal cords from just “letting them have it”. You’d weaponize anything you can think of to make them really feel your pain. Memories, insecurities, and reminders of all the things you’ve done for them are thrown at them. It sounds heartless, but it’s your attempt to make them understand the true depth of what their actions meant for you.
Closure for everyone can appear different, but at its core, it’s our desire to have answers. The reality is that when we are forced to accept that a relationship is over, whether it’s of our own accord or not, we are left to deal with our deepest fears and insecurities suddenly coming to the surface.
I know reading this is a part of your journey. You're still looking for those answers and clicked on this hoping I could provide some. I mean, I should know, right? I lost a partner I loved, a best friend who understood me, and my grandmother who raised me all within four weeks. Life as I knew it was over, just like that, in only four weeks. I, among others, have been dealt the very heavy hand of loss in such a short period of time. I’ll admit, not having answers back then killed me inside.
Yet here I am, months later and finally back on my feet still without any idea on why any of it happened. I’m finally grateful it did; Because of those losses, I now hold my loved ones close in my heart. I know one day they can be gone without any warning. More importantly, their absence made room for people who love me in ways I’ve never been loved before.
I’ll never know why anything happened, and neither will you. Constantly searching for anything that will give you the slightest hint is just torturing yourself. That doesn’t mean you won’t ever heal. Stoic philosopher Seneca who said “only time heals what reason cannot.” Although I stand behind this sentiment, there are still ways you can shift your perspective that can aide in your healing journey:
You did not fail.
You’re going to make mistakes at one point or another. You're human. Expecting such an impossible standard to be perfect is setting yourself up to fail. Make peace with your mistakes, forgive yourself for your parts, and remind yourself that mistakes are meant to be learned from. We would never grow if we were perfect, and even if we were, everyone’s definition of perfect is so vastly different that we still wouldn’t get it right.
You’re still a person.
I get it, it feels like a piece of you just got ripped out and now you’re expected to just go on like nothing happened. Your identity was so wrapped up in loving them, and now? Now you have an entire future to plan without the most important piece. But our brains are tricky and fool us into thinking that we are incomplete. We’re not, I promise. We’re not any less of a person because they couldn’t love us the way we needed. There are so many new possibilities that were just opened for you, as long as you allow yourself to receive them.
You are grieving.
The only thing worse than grieving the loss of a loved one, is grieving the loss of a loved one who is still alive. Their part in your story is over much like it would be with death. The only difference is that there’s no certainty in these situations. No matter how far apart you two are, they’re still somewhere, walking, talking, and living a full life without you. It’s a harsh truth, but be honest with yourself. You’re not fine, and pretending that you are is only holding you trapped in the past. It will make you angry, resentful, depressed, and wondering what you did to deserve it.
It’s okay to let yourself feel it. You loved them, and you lost them . . . That’s not an easy thing to just “get over”. That's a heavy loss. So grieve the crap out of them, who cares? Feel bad for anyone who tells you to get over it, because that’s what they’re telling themselves. Pain must be felt in order to heal.
Accept that this can, and will, happen again.
It’s mind boggling to think about; We enjoy each other on borrowed time. I have my life, and you have yours, and someone else will have theirs. Each one is so intricate and complex that it's kinda ridiculous to think we’re entitled to anyone’s time. Meet your relationships (and new people, too) with the perspective that they’re lending you moments of their life, and you return it by doing the same. I’ve always loved the quote, “She’s not yours, it’s just your turn.” It’s usually meant as an insult, but it’s true. Be grateful and appreciative that you’re getting these moments with someone because through death or through choice, they will be gone.
I recommend never going through this process alone. Not only is it nice to get your emotions validated and to be heard, but our brains are too close to the situation to fully process what’s happening. Different perspectives and ideas are often the most healing things out there, and it’s easiest to get them from people who you trust and love. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, I hope you find your peace.
My team of coaches and I are certified and ready to help you at whatever part of the healing journey you may be at. Whether you feel lost and heartbroken, or need some help guiding you to building yourself back up, we’d love to get you to where you want to be. Explore more on our website and click the “book” tab to get your free session!